Troubleshooting for your States of Melba Compact Disc.

My Compact Disc does not work! What do I do?

1. Check to see if your Player is capable of playing CD-Rs. As you will note on the back of the States of Melba Compact Disc Case there is a disclaimer stating that the Compact Disc is a CD-R and will not play in all model Compact Disc players. This may occur with older model Compact Disc and DVD players or some (very few) of today's players on the market. Purchase a new player or give the Compact Disc to someone who has one and demand they give you the price you paid for the CD. Have them press play.

2. Is your Compact Disc Player plugged in? Make sure your player is properly plugged into an electrical outlet. Follow the cable and make sure it is attached to the back of your Compact Disc Player. For portable Compact Disc Players insert batteries. Make sure batteries are inserted the correct way in accordance with the directions of the portable Compact Disc Player. Press play.

3. Don't have an electrical outlet or batteries to place in the Compact Disc Player? You are probably Amish or living below the poverty level. You'll need to stop being Amish or poor and purchase a house with an electrical outlet or batteries. After doing so, press play.

4. Did you place the Compact Disc in the Compact Disc Player? Open your States of Melba Compact Disc Case. Inside is a flat circular plastic object. This is the Compact Disc. Place your Compact Disc inside the Compact Disc Player with the label facing up. Press play.

5. Do you own a Compact Disc Player? The States of Melba Compact Disc will not play in the following: VHS players, Cassette Decks, 8-track Players, Turntable (Record) Players, Conventional Ovens, Toasters, Zip Drives, or 3.5" Floppy Drives. You'll need to purchase a new Compact Disc Player or DVD Player capable of playing CD-Rs. Press play.

6. Did you place the Compact Disc into the Compact Disc Player correctly? The States of Melba Compact Disc will not play with the label side down (unless your Compact Disc Player directs you to do so). If you open your Compact Disc Player and see a shiny reflective surface, you need to flip the Compact Disc over. Press play.

7. Did you have the volume at an audible level when you pressed play? Check the volume setting on your Compact Disc Player. You may need to turn the knob or press the volume up button (depending on the model Compact Disc Player you have) until the sound comes in at a level your eardrums can receive. Make sure you pressed play.

8. Do you have speakers or headphones hooked up to your Compact Disc Player? You'll need to attach some form of audio output device (ie. Speakers or headphones) to your stereo system or Compact Disc Player. Otherwise your Compact Disc will play but you won't be able to hear it play. In most cases the Compact Disc is better when you can hear it play. Press play.

9. Did you press play? Some model Compact Disc players will not play a Compact Disc unless the play button is pressed. Press play.

10. You tried all of the above and the Compact Disc still won't play. Turn the Compact Disc Player power off. Remove Compact Disc from player. Place the Compact Disc in the Case. Close the Case. Set Case next to Compact Disc Player. Calmly walk away. Repeatedly ask yourself what's wrong with the world and take a nap. After waking from your slumber, go about your business as if nothing happened.

WARNING: Do not submit States Of Melba: Malevolent Legumes to excessive heat (ie. in the car on hot summer days)
or cold (ie. in the car on cold winter days). This could damage the disc, its contents, or warp the label.